Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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