3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
