I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize