textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
