I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
