I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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