Nicole vs. Life
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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