you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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