Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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