I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
