where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
