dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
