If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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