Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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