I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
