I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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