Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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