I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
