Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
