Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
