After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
