New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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