Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
