Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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