Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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