I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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