Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
