just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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