Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
