you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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