oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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