i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
