glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
