I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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