Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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