Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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