I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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