she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
