I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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