I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
