dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
