She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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