I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
