If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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