The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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