Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
