You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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