woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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