I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i have herpe
just one?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
