oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize