Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize