I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
