I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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