Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
