she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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