why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
