The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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