My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
