We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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