so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
