I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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