Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
