under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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