i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
