UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize