my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
