Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
