U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
