WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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