So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
