im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize